January 5, 2010

It’s hard to believe that I am beginning another year without her, my beloved, the mother of my daughter, my best friend. Over the past 16 months, I’ve felt many emotions, some disguised as thought, believing that they may hurt less. I’ve asked many questions and received much fewer answers. I have been angry at love, at God, at others who have cheapened love and marriage. I have been extremely selfish and felt (falsely) justified. I am forced now more than ever to trust and hope in the unseen. I am forced to realize that I am not in control. I am left with nothing except hope.

Webster’s says to Hope is to desire with expectation of obtainment. When defining faith whether in verb or noun, it used the words allegiance, belief and trust. For me, my hope is a derivative of my faith and without faith, I would have no hope. For many months after Carla’s death, I had no hope because my faith had been dashed upon the rocks of life. Like so many “Christians”, I grew up with an expectation for God, a transactional relationship based on my morality. God would respond one way if I kept my don’ts on do’s in order, my sins of commission and omission. So, when Carla died, my “whys” were unending and unanswered. I now know that I was not asking the right questions. I don’t believe God would answer my “why questions” with ‘because answers’ for how could I ever be satisfied with a “because.” Each answer would only be the catalyst for more questions. I am not implying that others would not be satisfied, but I would not. And, many looking in may have already done so. How could any answer merit my beloved’s death?

In the past few months, I have pulled the boot straps up tight and accepted my reality. The only thing that keeps me going is my intimacy with God, my complete trust in his goodness and my belief in a better earth, when heaven lands here like an explosion of color, where yellows can be tasted and blues can be filled with laughter. I look forward to a time when my understanding is no longer needed, but TRUTH can be experienced fully. For me, this is Hope.

Some have said likened my recent days to “restoration.” I would disagree. I don’t believe in restoration. Maybe, I have it wrong but restoration to me means a return to an original state. How can that ever be? If a house if consumed by fire and all that is left is a foundation, no amount of insurance or rebuilding could ever return it to its original state. There will always be scars of the fire hidden within, the faint scent of char left beneath the subfloor. How can I ever return to my previous state of being, of understanding, of faith? Either the house will be less than it was or greater than its former self. That is my hope. That’s my hope for this hour, for tomorrow when the tears reach the rim, ready to overflow and my hope for every day following.

Let me be adamant about my Hope. It is not a crutch. I hate crutches and religion can be that- In many cases it is. My hope is in Truth. I understand who I am more than ever before. I understand pain and despair more than ever before. I understand our frailty and lack of control, how we get caught up in our lives. My trust is no longer in myself, my plans for a fat 401k in my fifties, a great career, a perfect family, or even morality. I don’t believe these things are wrong, but they are not my pursuit. My pursuit is White Hot Truth and I find that in no other place but in Jesus. All my hope is found in His words, His life and His death. Without Him, there is no hope. There may be a trust in something temporary but there can never be True Hope without Jesus.

1 John 2: 15-17


3 Responses to “HOPE”

  1. Greetings LostMC

    I found your story compelling and read several posts. You asked in one post if people in heaven see us on earth. They do, because they are living people in new, spiritual bodies like the angels (Mt 22: 30).

    Daniel in his vision spoke to saints and Peter, James and John saw and heard Moses and Elijah speaking with the Lord about the final days of His ministry.

    Mercedes Moss

  2. matt sauer said

    Hey Mike,

    Sounds like you got your eyes on the prize huh?
    That last paragraph, I thought, was spot on and wow I got excited reading it. I miss you man.


  3. r said

    Pain from such a life-changing source is almost predictable in its effect, gut-wrenching and overwhelming. It rushes like a river, plotting a new course as it carves a path, even in stone. It can be crushing, rife with destruction, or even life-giving, bringing renewal and new depths to the soul. Anyone who says they walk through something like the events of your blog and are unchanged are either dishonest or locked within an emotional fortress.

    I am grateful you share this evolution. It seems that your writing gives you release and an outlet for the turmoil. You may not realize that it also lends itself to garner new supporters in prayer and hoping with you – blessings and peace are spoken your way today.

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