Missing What I am missing.

September 16, 2009

I remember feeling this same feeling a few months after Carla died, even though it felt too soon to start missing what she provided for me. ‘I should be focusing on her, not what she gave me… that’s not real love.’ I’d be willing to bet that it doesn’t take long for anyone to start missing what they are missing, because even in our best attempts at love, which I know we had… there is selfishness, for we are human and are not capable of Love, only love. Yes, I missed her but I began to focus on the things that were severed as “contingent losses.” I had no outlet for sharing concerns or crashing into someone at the end of each day and reciprocally being there for someone to need. I missed being held. I missed affection and passion. I missed being taken care of in all the ways (at risk of sounding sexist) a southern wife cares for her home and family. In all areas of receiving love from someone while also providing love for another, too many to individually describe, I was missing “her”… and “me.” Like a habitual gambler, it was like the losing never ended. Every day, tears would wash and erode to reveal another element I was missing. As much as I wanted to face and fight the battle strongly, I had to smother these things because no matter how strong the mind is, I do not believe it can fight in the complex arena of the heart– perhaps suppress but not fight. And so I did. I focused on what I could; raising my sweet Lady, writing, singing and this worked for some time. I can see how a broken heart is vulnerable and my heart feels more like it has suffered an amputation. Simple recognition of a susceptible heart does not make it impervious, though. Although it feels like my heart has room to echo without the arresting lithium of my head, I feel weaker in the recognition. A wounded heart seems to feel more—writing sad songs and making clumsy choices.

I have lived most of my life, upright, with my head above my heart. This year has caused me to live more from my heart. In most ways, it is freeing and moving. I care less about things that don’t really matter, which is probably much more than I realize even now. I feel things more. I remember the first three or four months of going to church, I could not hold back the tears. I would cry at commercials. I remember thinking on many occasions, “Is this how it feels to be a woman?” I cried a few weeks ago for the first time in while when Linen said, “I need my mommy!” She said it three or four times and I just couldn’t fight it. Sharing that on this black and white just isn’t the same as the face to face, holding someone and sobbing on them, having them just listen and be there. I miss that. Just the same, when Linen does something amazing or funny, there is no talk at the end of the day of what she did. I can only imagine conversations and laughter in the bed as a couple is surprised at something their children said . Shocked at how quickly they are growing up. Amazed at where they are in life. Someone to share dreams with. Someone to grow old with. Someone to look in their eyes and speak without sound. Someone to live life “for.” I know that no one can ever be fulfilled by another human because we have been created to be fulfilled by Him alone- I believe that is why so many relationships fail. Still, I am now again missing what I am missing. It’s funny how fickle the heart can be and I have found that living from it can be tiring. The sense of letting go of control, which I now feel was an illusion, is nice and scary. I find myself elated at this life more- living more, planning life less. I am not as strong as I have told myself I was; another illusion. I do need. I can do much on my own, but it is nice to share life. I am thankful for friends and family that have helped me through this, but I am still missing what I have been missing.

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One Response to “Missing What I am missing.”

  1. Melissa said

    Michael,

    I lost my husband to cancer almost 5 years ago. My daughters at that time were 3 years and 6 months. Your above entry is exactly where I am in my thoughts right now with “missing what I am missing.”
    Thank you for your transparency. It greatly ministers to those of us who are walking a similiar road.

    Melissa

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