The Anniversary Of Truth

July 13, 2009

We would have been married 7 years today. I have been married 7 years today. Which is true? Either way, I have been married to something, if not Carla, something I have replaced her with, some flashes of memory, some black and white images, some ideal of “what she would want”. Its really not her. No matter how intentional I am of not replacing her with some function of myself and/or the feelings, it happens. The truth is, she needs nothing from me and any sort of picture or memory or ideal cannot do justice to her. Like she needs “justice.” She was unpredictable, an enormous element in my absolute adoration of her. Anything I dwell on now is some form of me trying to create the past in the present. I cannot live in the past. Even if I could live in the past and therefore make it my present, I would have to endure wind that blows right through me and sun that doesn’t warm me because nothing can be changed. I would live with the weight of knowing and I would be less than I am.

The truth is that this anniversary will be spent alone. There will be no romantic dinner, no smiles exchanged, no flowers delivered, no cards filled with expressive words, no passion shared, no talks of the future, no holding hands, no “I love You” whispered in ears. The truth is that my wife is dead. No matter how many pictures I keep or songs I sing, she is gone forever. The truth is that I am tired of missing her. The weight of it is agonizing. She doesn’t need me to miss her. The truth is that my misery is my selfishness with its face painted. I never wanted to be the victim and have refused most help, but the truth is that I have told myself a lie and have played the victim in my own head. While “Get over it!” or “Suck it up!” doesn’t quite do it, I must remember where she is now and that she is better off. I just need to get over myself.

The truth is that Carla is gone and I am not. The truth is that I am left to raise Linen alone. The truth is that she will never know Carla, only a collection of memories and no matter how complete I make that collection; it could never be her or even a worthy depiction of her. Mostly likely, although equal parts heartbreaking and hopeful, Linen will know a mother who is not Carla. She will love another, take instruction from another, trust and confide in another and want to model another mama who is not Carla. The implications for me and the delicate balance required for my feelings and another’s, because of my beautiful scar, seem impossible right now no matter how hopeful.

The truth is that Carla is alive finally, awakened and aware of her created intention, her planned perfection before there was time and I am left here with more growing to do. The truth is that I must take what I have been given and become stronger. A friend that I have shared some thoughts with told me that we are all alone here, transient strangers. I think that is such a sad view of this life. I believe we are eternal and that we were made for community, which is somewhat of a bizarre declaration for me since I have a tendency to be a loner. I have seen so much damage being committed in community but I know that giving up on it is the easy road. I believe that Carla is experiencing all that she was made for. Why can’t I be happy in that? No amount of reasoning or logic in what I believe to be true can take away the sting of death. The truth is that in all my attempts to understand why, both physically and big picture, I cannot comprehend.

Carla was, in so many ways, the link to a world going on outside my head. She made most of the plans, at least the ones that mattered. She got us involved with friends. I never had to remember a birthday, and hopefully I get a free pass on that this year. She made me aware of my blindness to so much that really matters. I know, at first, this is why the world seemed strange and I just floated, numb. I know that I created my life around her and that is why I was so infuriated at God for taking her away. It sounds so selfish on this side of things. My happiness was totally contingent on hers and without seeing her happiness, physically, I had none.

The truth of this day is that I have hope for myself and my remaining earthly days. The absolute truth is that God has allowed me to endure this for a reason. I surrender my attempts at knowing why. I hope that through it all, He is increased in me. I know that would make Carla smile. I know that she would want Linen to have a mother to nurture and raise her. I know that Carla would want me to marry again. I know that whoever “she” ends up being, she will have to be extraordinary, not only to handle this with grace but just to put up with me at all.

I believe that we will look back and find that specific days are insignificant, for time doesn’t exist, for we are all eternal.  This day is a grain of sand that I pulled from the bottom of the ocean- so focused on it, I hold it in my hand feeling its texture and noting its color and size, closing my eyes as I embrace how it makes me feel while I float in the deep of life. The truth is that I will eventually let go of this piece of sand and watch it fall as I embrace the sun on the surface.

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2 Responses to “The Anniversary Of Truth”

  1. Cherie said

    amazing. speechless.
    i really like this statement:
    “I believe we are eternal and that we were made for community”

    my fav quote this week:

    “Love restores reason and not the other way around.” — A Course in Miracles

  2. Ross said

    In spite of our greatest efforts to know and be known, we will never experience the fullness of that reality in this life…strangers, transients, sojourners…even with those we love the most and with whom we are most intimate, the ache remains…until we are fully known in the light if Him who knows us all completely.

    May God continue the process in all of us!

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