9 months

May 13, 2009

8 days… am I creating another you? I will never feel you. I will never kiss you. I will never hold you again. Four or five times a day, I find myself saying, “Carla is doing [this]” or “Carla would want me to do [that]” or “She would like [such]”. My mind questions if I am creating an imaginary friend, a refurbished compass, part of my conscious, My love for you screams, “NO!” my love sees you laughing, sees you guiding me. Which is more driven by my fear? My love  or my mind?

It’s been 24 days. How can this world keep spinning if you are not in it? I am on my face, beneath the floor. This is worse than never knowing love. To have had what we had and for it to be gone now… this is hell. To have known you for a finite infinity and for you to be ripped from everything in me… this is cruel. We were one. My life was yours. I have no personal meaning. Yes, Linen is life to me and I love every second with her but you made me overflow. You built me. I cannot accept that I will never hold your hand again. My fingers will never wear the strands of your hair. I will never hold you again. I will never wake up with you again. PLEASE GOD, let me dream of her! Let her meet me there. I just want to say goodbye and tell her I love her and that I want to make her proud. Can that hurt anything? Why would you not let it happen? I am in a pool of bottomless agony with the weights of emptiness and loneliness secured about my ankles. Baby, I love you.

Day 26

Life is asking me to keep moving but my world has stopped. It has collided with plans from the unseen hands, without reasons known to me. I wonder what you saw when your heart stopped. I bet you did not want to come back. Could you hear me all those times I spoke to you in the hospital? I remember your body being so cold. Your hands, arms, legs and feet were like rigid ice. They could no longer draw blood from your extremities. They had to get blood from the main line plunged into your chest, near your right collar bone. Those hours, days, minutes of memories in the hospital haunt me. I can’t believe so much has changed. We should be asleep together in our bed in NC. Instead, I fill my nights with as much interaction as I can without intruding on the lives of others until finally, I’m alone. Alone with my thoughts, my emotions, my grief, my questions. I end and begin everyday alone. I am glad that every morning when I left for work that I kissed you and hugged you. I am glad that we ended everyday holding each other. It is cruel that it is gone now. Linen is singing songs now. She is singing and doing the motions of the itsy bitsy spider. She sings row, row, row your boat too. I wish you could see her and we could talk about how amazed we are. I have no one to share my amazement with. I miss you. Babe, I love you.

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