Open and free?

April 19, 2009

Not knowing how to temper this where my intent softens my honesty, I hope this serves as a harbinger.

I think what I need and what I want are woven together more tightly than ever, and where my self -awareness had existed as incapacitation, I now find a window of freedom in speaking what I feel.

Deliberate? Yes, you should be, but perhaps you cannot reach my definition. There are few who can and I place high expectations on myself and unknowingly upon others. Part of me wants to insert an apology, but it would be empty because I feel have earned the reservation here.

It’s not your speaking of the past that makes me uncomfortable, but your implied comfort in speaking with familiarity to my present. Regardless of intention, it is perceived.

I don’t need bible verses. I have them on my walls, in my journal and on my heart. I don’t need you answering my rhetorical questions about God. If you are ever in doubt, err on the side of it being rhetorical. I have had much time and do devote intentionally much time to think about God’s nature. When I get the whiff of anything remotely borrowed, it sickens me. I have heard the tired phrases and I have a pretty good sense of words on loan. I thought you wanted to be open and free… this is it.

Don’t assume that pain is pain. I would never say to a rape victim (which I feel is the greatest tragedy of earthly life), “’Having been on the dark side of the moon myself, I should be more deliberate with my words.’” Aside from the platitude and the irony of the statement, its insincerity and implied awareness are blatant. What is the moon when you are questioning your existence?

You think you’re granting me insight when you tell me my mindset is flawed with doubt and skepticism? I laugh at the thought of you being able to keep up with the never ending debate in my head between my skeptic, my sensationalist and my naturalist while my spirit listens quietly, head in hands. They wake me sometimes, with their bickering and it’s been a shouting match since Carla left. I remember when I used to wake at night, I would just pull her close to me and they would all shut-up. It was amazing how she could put every part of me in a trance.

But, this message was not intended to grant you access to more core, but to make you aware of my armor. I didn’t put it on, but it has been placed upon me. I wish I could shed most of it. It is heavy and cumbersome, but it is.

Let me end where I started in stating that my intention is not to hurt but to take a wire brush to “awareness.” I know all of us who ‘exist’ on this chuck of dirt spinning around a big ball of fire will experience pain as I know you have. But, I will never handle it with intimacy or stale sayings.

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