The wall to which I wake

April 4, 2009

Every morning, I wake to it. The color of cold gray; like sandpaper on my fingertips. The lifeless giant before me, my Goliath. Swallowed by only my horizon on the right and left. Only recently have I fixed my eyes more on the wall and less on my proximity to it. Less on the pool of tears beneath my feet and more on the mortar supporting the stones. Less on the heaviness upon me and more on the structure before me. “I wonder if one pair of hands has formed this.” Some of it seems blatantly careless in structure, although strong. Some of pristine, placed with exactness promoting “design”. Some of it new and some of it with moss in the cracks. “Who laid these stones?” “Who placed this wall here…in my life?”

The questions regarding the nature of this wall and my relationship to it fill my days since she left. In fact, I have never met a wall without boundaries, without weakness; one in which I could not conquer… until this one. As I look to the top of the wall, I see the same sky with the same sun and the same stars that shine at night. Sometimes, I touch my face to the wall, close my eyes and listen. The wall always feels cool on my cheek, as though it is continually in the shade, never feeling the warmth of the sun even on the brightest of days. When I close my eyes and listen, I can hear her voice. I can hear her laugh. I can hear her telling me her dreams. “Am I really hearing or am I simply entertaining my memories?” Some days, I even believe that I can climb it, but it is too tall to climb. Only just have I begun to consider the idea that this wall will not move. Only just have I begun to contemplate allowing this wall to exist without a challenge from me, being cautious enough to not imply that it exists only because I allow it- I don’t believe that. Only just have I begun to acknowledge that my future may not be on the other side of this wall, but in the call of the warmth on my back. When will I wake to it? When will I wake to the wall at my back and the warmth on my face?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: