Where Do I Go From Here?

December 24, 2008

Where do I go from here? What changes? Does the color ever return? Will smiles ever travel alone? Will I sleep again? Will I not grin at death? I know that I will have to join “the living” again, if only for Linen’s sake. I know that “life” will go on, although I am not sure when life will begin again. I am beginning to see glimpses in Linen’s eyes. I know that I will never be the same again. How can I? You made me. Everything I was, everything I did, every plan I made, every day I lived… I lived for you. You made me forget about living and focus on life. Now, I exist alone and alone, I exist. Tomorrow, I will exist and the next day and the next and the next… but when will the living start? How can it? How can I live without you. I try to cope but grief is my drug, pain my drink and anger my only high… and it is losing its effectiveness. The lows are becoming what is. Like a broken clock, I hide it.

I miss my other addictions… your touch, your grace, your reassurance, your belief in me, your laugh, your smile, your voice, your sweetness, your strength, your love, you. I have been forced to go on without these things, and the withdrawals are agonizing. I seek them in your pictures, in our memories, in myself but they are not there. They have left with you. I now have the touch of cold empty sheets as I lay down without you, the acceptance of futility reassured by loneliness, the certainty of your absence, my stone face in the mirror, my unanswered questions, my petulance, my helplessness, and silence in all directions. Where do I go from here?


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