The future is not what it used to be

December 1, 2008

The future is not what it used to be. No longer will pictures of wrinkled hands united fill our walls. No longer will conversations of big family holidays fill our mouths. No longer will I see Linen’s reflection in your excited eyes. No longer will I kiss your face or hold your body close. No longer will I hear your voice on the phone. No longer will I smile just because I am driving home to see you. No longer will you smile at me and take away all distractions. No longer will we sneak into Linen’s room to watch her sleep. No longer will we pray together for Linen. No longer will I make strawberry pancakes for you on Saturdays. No longer will we go to church together on Sundays. No longer will I play with your hair while you slide into your dreams. No longer will I wake in the middle of the night and pull you close just because I love you. No longer will the best days be in front of me. No longer will we make new memories.

Instead, I am left with old memories. They are already worn on the corners from my handling. They are all that I have. From now on, Linen and I will kiss your picture goodnight. From now on, I wake to find that you are not there. From now on, these hands will age alone. From now on, I will listen to your voice on the phone and know exactly what you are going to say. From now on, I will only hope that you are watching Linen sleep. From now on, I will spend Saturday mornings making pancakes for Linen. From now on, I will wish for your hand in church and cry at every song. From now on, I will wait for you in my dreams and wake to find you gone. From now on, my best days are on the mountain behind me. From now on, I will be alone. The future is not what it used to be.

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One Response to “The future is not what it used to be”

  1. I agree said

    I could say that I don’t understand or that I am at a loss of words, but that would be dishonest. I do understand, completely. I lost my husband in July to cancer and am now my son’s sole parent. I too have the same feelings as you described. Keeping friends, family, GOD, and my memories close helps me each minute of the day. I don’t take one day at a time, I take one minute at a time to get through the day. It’s nice and sad knowing that someone else feels the way I do.

    L

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