Prayed Hard

November 26, 2008

I have never prayed “harder.” That’s what we say isn’t it, though I really cannot think of a better way to express it. I prayed and believed and claimed and quoted, and it was hard, especially when your heart stopped three times. The “what-ifs” and “whys” really are paralyzing. It seems that praying for God’s will is silly to me, but Christ talks about it when he teaches us to pray. Isn’t God’s will already in place? If I miss a prayer, is the will of the creator of all somehow in jeopardy? He knows my heart … better than I do. He has numbered my days. Is prayer about me? In my small understanding, it almost has to be. How can I bestow anything upon my creator? Is God incomplete or in need of me? Then; there are the voices that say, “You didn’t believe…” and “Your faith wasn’t strong enough…” or “You must have prioritized her in front of God…” Honestly, I am guilty of placing you first but I did believe that you would be made whole and come back home with me and Linen to live the rest of your life. I have not ever had a Santa Claus relationship with God, but I did ask that he would let you live. I also prayed for His glory. I believed that God would heal you and “be glorified” right there in the medical center. Taking things at face value, it’s amusing that we say things like that; like somehow, our praying for God to receive glory causes it. I have prayed for His will in and outside of my life.

I prayed hard and I prayed honest and now it’s hard to pray. When Linen and I say our prayers at night, they seem so unpretentious and uncomplicated. We pray that God would tell you that we love you. That seems so silly when I think about it. You already know it, but it’s for her… or is it for me? When I try to pray, now, it seems so complicated and supposed. It is apparent that my will was not in line with God’s. What am I to do now? I prayed hard and now it’s hard to pray.


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